Posts Tagged ‘mindfulness’

How to be More in Control of Your Stressors and Keep Your Cool

angry man

Can you recall the last time you got “triggered?”

Perhaps it was a throwaway line by a colleague, the sudden changed reaction of someone you were in a conversation with or the family member who appears to be forever taking a swipe?

From being your calm even self, within seconds your physiology had been activated almost as if there was a sabre-tooth tiger in the room!

The neutrality of the conversation gone, thinking powers subdued and red lights flashing, a full throttle fight or flight had now taken over command.

And this you did with great flair, style and aplomb!

The only thing was that there was NO tiger present and you realized afterwards that you had over-reacted.

Needless to say, that particular conversation took a dive and the relationship now needs tending to.

Well – the good news is that you are not alone here.

We have all done this, haven’t we and realized afterwards that our interpretation of what happened was quite off-mark.

Simply put – we got triggered.

Triggers are Our Ammunition

Here’s the thing though – whenever we get triggered and hijacked by our strong, unexpected reaction – it is a giveaway sign that there is a hidden barrier waiting for us to breakthrough with!

Our triggers are our ammunition for where we need to move beyond any earlier conditioning or beliefs about how we view certain things.

Unless we become more conscious of our triggers, we are more likely to do this:

  • Be on Automatic Pilot: We immediately become reactive when our ‘triggers’ get activated. Carl Jung – the gifted grandfather of psychology referred to these as our ‘complexes.’ Typically, our reactions will be way beyond proportion to any intended message.
  • Emotional Eruption: We then get upset, angry, accusatory of the other person of how they have done “x,y,z”. Even if the other party’s intent was not one to provoke you, being at the receiving end of your eruption, they may also get provoked.
  • Combat Zone: Now you are both in the boxing ring and the conversation has veered off where neither of you started. You are both in a combative mode with blows flying willy-nilly.

But it no longer needs to be this way!

Here are seven things you can do

The following actions will not only help you recognize, and understand your trigger but it will help you to keep your cool when you do get triggered.

It will give you a breather to respond in a better way and even save your relationship!

1) Know what and who your triggers are

We all have some things or certain people who trigger us more often than others. Be mindful of these before you enter a situation with them.

For example, it could that family member who has a certain way of saying things, which just gets under your skin. Or it could be when a staff member or colleague continues to do something that you have already had a discussion about.

Knowing this enables you to be forearmed and not being surprised each time, every time.

2) Become aware when you get triggered

This step is not too hard to miss, as you will notice changes in your body, mind and mood. For example, you will notice the heart starts beating faster, you are sweating, your feel tension in the mind or body and suddenly your mood has changed from neutral to anger, flatness, or hurt.

Being self aware in this way then enables you to self manage better both of which are important skills of emotional intelligence.

3) Name your thoughts, feelings and reaction without making the other person the cause

Too often we go straight for the jugular and hold the other person responsible along the lines of, “Look what you have done now/or made me feel.” Getting angry, shouting, screaming, calling names, snarling, make biting comments or other passive aggressive behaviours

Notice and own your feelings as your reaction. Take ownership – it gives you more power and options to come out on top.

Self-control is another dimension of being emotionally intelligent.

4) Breathe

A good way of keeping your cool is to become aware of your breath. Focusing on your breath for the next few seconds will help your calm yourself and regain your composure. 

It is a good way of buying time so you will be able to better respond, not react. As Steven Covey has said, it is creating that gap between stimulus and response, which enables us to not be reactive.

5) Look at the context/bigger picture you are in

Remind yourself of the bigger picture of whatever situation you are in. 

For example, in a project team, the inappropriate response of another colleague could perhaps be forgiven considering they are normally pretty on to it but are super stretched this time or a family member who has perhaps lost a job recently.

This allows us to have a bit more compassion and be kinder than our own ‘triggered’ first response taking precedence.

6) Take time out

In conflict situations, one thing we don’t do enough of is to remove ourselves and take time out.

Likewise, in situations we get triggered, it is not always easy to control our feelings and the best thing you can do is to say that you need some time out and take leave.

You can re-engage once you have gathered yourself.

Remember, our triggers may be a conditioned response to an earlier beliefs or situation which may no longer be appropriate or relevant. Be prepared to challenge yourself on this as growth is just on the other side!

7) Reflect afterwards noting what you might do differently

Whatever you have done, review afterwards and identify what went well, what didn’t go so well and what you might do differently next time.

And remember to congratulate yourself for taking a step back, managing an old trigger and coming out on top. 

Bringing it all together

As neuroscience has found, our neuronal pathways respondin known ways. The brain loves to take short cuts with the least amount of expenditure of energy.

Changing behavior patterns require a whole lot of intention, attention and repetition. But this can be done.

New neuronal pathways can be created. As has been said, “neurons that wire together, fire together”

So over to you now!

What has been your key takeout from this article, which you could put into practice next time you are triggered?

Note: This article was first published in Change your thoughts, Change your Life

As a leadership and career coach, I love working with individuals, teams and organisations to help them be resilient as they progress with their goals and vision.   You can contact me at +64 27 280 3335 or

Image courtesy of patrisyu at


Leadership: Manage Your Emotions

AAEAAQAAAAAAAALOAAAAJDgwMjkzY2I3LTFmZmMtNDZiZC04ODY5LTc3NzA2ODFjNjZkYQ“Self-knowledge is something everyone can grasp. When you understand your emotions, you will have the capacity to understand other peoples emotions too.”
Swami Suddhananda


The gift of emotions

The spectre of emotions we experience is a true gift. Imagine a world without the contrast and diversity of experiences and emotions.

In the work place, this can range from the incredible sense of success and team work of a well-executed project to those other times when we have missed out on something, feel mis-understood or attacked.

Feelings and emotions are also viral.  

We have to be conscious that we are not unduly affecting others with our negative emotions which could just be “passing clouds.”

As  managers and leaders we are setting the tone, expectations, climate and culture of our teams and organization.

And nothing seeps or gets picked up faster by others than the non-verbal vibes or careless throw-away comments.

The EQ skills of self-awareness and self-management are vital here to avoid the reactive response when confronted with the unexpected, which one invariably regrets. (more…)

Leadership: 7 Tips for Keeping Your Composure

Calm image

“When you become a leader, you are not entitled any more to display the two ends of the emotional plane, because everything you do and say carries a five times more powerful message……One of the first things to do in a senior role when something bad really happens is to remain calm.”
– Alex Malley, CPA Australia and author of “The Naked CEO”

From time to time, we all get confronted with situations, which act as a trigger for us. The sense of calm is gone. Instead there is a rising wave of feelings including irritation, frustration and perhaps anger.

The interesting thing is that the situation which may have triggered us often has little to do with the current reality.

More often than not, it activates a part of the brain, which has memories of the distant past, which we are still carrying with us.

When we feel our core values such as a sense of justice, fairness, respect has been crossed – than we react, almost automatically.  The fight / flight mechanism gets activated.

Regardless of the origins of our reaction, what we do know is that keeping our composure serves us better not just in the moment but longer term.

Having just enough awareness, control or mindfulness to not react and say things, which once they leave our mouths become irretrievable!

And can we not all remember a time when we have been totally been in an “amygdala hijack moment”, done this and regretted after?!

Here are 7 tips to help keep your composure:


1) Practices – Regular practice of disciplines like meditation, yoga, breathing exercises or exercise and gym will  help build resilience and unload stress on a daily basis so “our cups don’t spill over.”

2) Get another perspective – If there is an issue that is bothering you – talk through issue with a trusted colleague, friend to get another perspective on the matter and before things build up.

We are not always right and other insights might help us understand the other party and get a better outcome. If there is a courageous conversation in the wings, do some role plays beforehand.


State management tips:

3) Recognize – as you get the thought or feeling in your body that the situation is seriously challenging and you find yourself flaring up to react, try this instead.

STOP, PAUSE AND RECOGNIZE it for what it is.

Buy time, count to ten, better still leave the room if you can ( and come back later).

It is okay to say that you need to take a break and come back to it, if things get heated. We make the mistake of keeping going when we need to re-group.

You want to be able to keep your cool and act not react.

4) Breathe – Become conscious of your breath. Focus on your breathing.

One breath at a time.

Feel the air in the nostrils, in the throat, the ballooning of your stomach and then let  go, let go……try for at least six seconds.

Slow steady breaths calm the body and mind.

The above two steps can be done within minutes as you gather and re-focus yourself.

You are buying time as you gain your composure.

Communication tips:

5) Impact and intent. Remind yourself that what you might be reacting to may not be the other party’s intent at all.

This needs to be established.

As authors  David Stone et al remind us in their excellent book Difficult Conversations, impact does not equal intent.

“Seek first to understand” as Stephen Covey so eloquently put it!

6) Acknowledge – An  issue may come up that needs addressing but the time, place, manner is not be right. Be respectful of this.

Try and get agreement with the other person to follow this up with a meeting time when you can both talk about it.

7) Openers  – An opener could be – “Something just happened at the meeting that I would like to check out with you. I really value our relationship and want to  continue to work effectively with you….”

Or could you help me understand what you meant when you said that my team was not performing….?


Thank the other person and acknowledge yourself for having handled a challenging situation with greater calm than you may have before.

Know what your triggers are and develop your resilience and other strategies to keep your composure, career or indeed relationship!


As a leadership coach, team facilitator and speaker, I love working with organisations and savvy managers and leaders to grow their emotional intelligence (EQ/EI) and engage their teams better. I also speak to different audiences on such topics including finding and living our mojo, emotional intelligence and leadership and life transitions.


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